Bottled Up
 

Help and Support for people living with an alcoholicProfessional therapists bringing you their 
unique experience of both sides of the problem.

Public Blog

In this Blog we hope to be able to discuss some issues that are relevant to living with an alcoholic.  We invite you to make a contribution to the discussion through the comments facility on the Blog.  However we must make it clear that, much as we might like to, we cannot provide detailed answers to personal questions through this Blog.  So please do not leave personal questions in the comments section.

This is a website for people dealing with serious life issues.  Please be respectful and do not post spam or adverts for unrelated services.  If you do they will be deleted immediately!

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  • 21 Nov 2014 12:01 AM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    Most of us will come across people who are drinking too much in social situations. And to be fair, who hasn't undefined from time to time undefined had one (or three) too many drinks at their own birthday party? The summer season is nearly upon us. It's time for holiday celebrations and barbecues at which keeping the wine and beer flowing is part of being hospitable.

    For some of us, however, this season highlights a much more commonplace and personal issue because our close relationships are already overshadowed by the spectre of problem drinking. We view celebrations with growing dread as they provide our problem drinker with what they consider to be a legitimate excuse for excess. 

    The following is a quick guide to managing drunken behaviour wisely and minimizing its destructive impact. If you are out at a social occasion try to remember that if your partner is behaving atrociously, he/she is embarrassing him/herself undefined not you. Don't give yourself a hard time if you decide to leave early, take the car and leave your partner some money for a taxi home later. It's simply putting up a boundary which is a very wise thing to do.

    However, the real problems accelerate behind closed doors. Your drunk partner enters the house where social norms no longer demand his/her natural restraint and the real problems begin. So what do you do? As a relationship expert, here's my advice:

    Avoid Confrontation In The Moment

    This is hard, particularly if you are in close relationship with the person who is drinking. For a start, you will be feeling understandably angry that your partner has moved to that point where the drink appears to be taking over. OK, we've all laughed at amiable, giggling drunks in our time, but the joke soon wears thin when it's your partner doing it over and over again. Amusement is quickly replaced by concern, annoyance and undefined if it goes on and on undefined a deep rage, which those who live with compulsive behaviors will really understand. At that point the temptation to sit your drunk down and give him a large piece of your mind feels almost irresistible, and it's highly likely you have done just that!

    However, more often than not, it's like sticking your finger in a wasp's nest. Out come the verbal insults and twisting half-truths that sting, frustrate and offend. You may feel better for a moment, but an argument with a drunk can quickly escalate to a new level of tension, aggression and non–compliance. And even if your drinker is amiable and garrulous and wants to "talk deeply" (how often I've fallen for that one) the chances are he/she won't remember a thing in the morning. There is a time to talk things through and express how disappointed, hurt and angry you are, but not when he/she is still intoxicated!Unknown Object

    Back Away

    Most people who turn to us at Bottled Up genuinely love their drinking partner and want to work at the relationship before walking away from it completely. So strategies to cope are really important. When you're in a situation where a loved one is drinking heavily, do a quick safety check to ensure he/she is not in needless danger, but then take remove yourself from the situation as much as humanly possible.

    You may not be able to control what is happening, but that doesn't mean you have to sit and watch it. Do yourself a favor! Go to another room or floor or leave the situation altogether. (Even if you get stuck in the same space, get your headphones on and listen to some nice music to tune out what's happening). Don't get further hooked into the already chaotic dynamics around the drinking behavior.

    Care For Yourself And Your Family

    When your partner lets you down you're hurt and angry, of course. However, if the problem drinking is a regular occurrence, then this is the time to do something nice for you. 

    Think ahead on this one. If it's the end of a long, hard day, make sure you pamper yourself with a long hot soak in the bath. Save your favorite book or TV program to retreat into. Be prepared to move out to the spare bedroom if you have one. A snoring drunk beside you is hardly a brilliant aphrodisiac! If it's daytime and you have a family, take them out for a walk or meal. Play a board or video game you put aside for these occasions. 

    That's why I love our Bottled Up forum, because if you are short of ideas other members may come up with some brilliant suggestions to help out here! It may be the worst time for your relationship with your drinker, but you can work on making it a good time for you. This may well feel counter-intuitive (and, in some ways, it is) but don't allow the alcohol to wreak even more damage than it already has!

    Be proactive, be creative or even take the offensive! This is your partner's problem undefined it doesn't have to be yours. This is where detaching in love is crucial, sensible and poignantly relevant.

    I've walked this path personally and these strategies are lessons painfully learned over a long period of time so go easy on yourself. Do what you can a little at a time and take back control of your life and situation. It won't always be easy but every new change brings a new sense of empowerment and a new hope for a more lasting change.

    Don't go into this summer season unprepared. If your partner regularly comes up with inappropriate behavior, figure out some appropriate boundaries and responses. You may not be able to control their behaviour, but you can certainly exert control over your family and your own  choices; and if, in the end, you decide that "enough is enough," know that you have applied all that is possible to make your relationship work.

    Find out more about how to live with an alcoholic by going to Bottled Up where you will find videos, articles and audios on this topic.

  • 25 Oct 2014 10:58 AM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    Hi All

    We just felt that we needed to make contact and let you know what is going on in our lives.  It feels, to us at least, that we have not been very communicative recently.  So it would be good to provide some sort of explanation.

     Some of you may know already that we are in the process of renovating Lou’s mum’s house.  We inherited the house when she died just before Xmas last year and decided that we would rebuild it and live in it.  It is in the sleepy little seaside town of Seaton in Devon and we both love the sea and want to get away from the noise of the city, especially the student population!!

     We sold our current home in Exeter earlier in the year and had hoped to move seamlessly to the new one.  You have to admire our optimism.  Well here we are sitting in rooms surrounded by boxes waiting for the removal men to come next week.  However we are moving to storage rather than our new place.  Oh well so it goes.  It now looks like we will not move into our new home until mid-January.  So for the next couple of months we are going to be a bit nomadic.

     Sorry we have not been around more but our lives have been a constant whirl of plans, seek planning permission, alter the plans, actually get planning permission, choose floors, doors, windows, lights, bathrooms, kitchens, colours etc etc etc.

     I have included a couple of photos of the place.  One is a before and the other is not quite after but it shows where we are currently – complete with scaffolding.

     Regards

     

    Lou and John

     





















  • 10 Sep 2014 1:23 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    We have published a new post on Yourtango.  It is about one of our central themes for Bottled Up - the nature of the problem and how looking at in the wrong way can be dis-empowering.

    It would be great if you could have a look at this post and 'like' it or share it so that it may get to someone who it could help.  Thanks


    Is my partner an alcoholic


    regards


    Lou and john

  • 26 Jun 2014 10:52 AM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    Recently we asked you what you thought about us providing a 1 to 1 service on Bottled Up.  We can honestly say that this email prompted the biggest response we have ever had.  All the responses were positive and thought it would be a good addition to the website even if you personally did not use it.

    So because of all this feedback we are now looking to see how we can incorporate a more personal approach to Bottled Up.  We hope to have an offering for you in the next couple of weeks.  So watch this space.

     


  • 24 Jun 2014 1:22 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    I apologise for the spam that is continually appearing on Bottled Up.  I spend a lot of time policing the Blog and deleting the posts for unrelated products and websites but, to give them credit, they are very persistent.

    As you can see, there is a plea at the head of the Blog asking people to be respectful.  But hey, some people just aren't and it probably would not matter what we put there.  Please be assured, as quickly as I discover the spam I delete it. 

    Sorry for any inconvenience.

  • 02 Jun 2014 2:21 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    We are exploring a number of ways that we can improve the help and support that we provide at Bottled Up.  One of the ways that we are looking at is partnership working with other agencies and individuals working in this or a similar area.  However we really don’t want to create something that you might consider to alter the character of Bottled Up in a negative way.  So for that reason we want to keep you informed and seek your opinion on our plans.

    We had a long chat this morning with a therapist, a lovely lady who has been working for a number of years in this area.  On idea that we discussed was that she could provide 1 to 1 counselling via Skype or phone or email.  This would obviously be a paid option that anyone could choose.

    My question is this. 

    Do you feel that this is an option that would be welcome at Bottled Up?

     Also is this an option that you would consider using? 

     

    Please don’t worry a yes answer to either question will not be interpreted as a request for these services.  Although if you do want to take up the service you can let me know and I’ll organise it.

     

    We would really appreciate your opinion on this matter and AS ALWAYS all correspondence will be regarded as completely confidential.

     

    Warmest regards

     

    Lou and John

  • 01 May 2014 4:57 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    Sorry that we have not updated much lately.  The reason is that we have been extremely busy doing life.  Sometimes it is just like that, life starts to demand your attention like a screaming child and you need to need to drop everything and attend to its needs.

    A few weeks ago our daughter left home.  Nothing sinister, she went off to be mistress of her own domain and make her own life.  However, obviously that is not as simple as “Bye, I’m off.  See you at Xmas, birthdays and when I’m broke”.  No, it was more like a military operation reminiscent of D-Day and took everyone’s full attention for a couple of weeks.  Then we had to mover her across the country and make sure that she was settled in to her new place.  So we may have lost a daughter but we have regained control of the TV remote and found enormous amounts of cupboard space.

    Just after she left we put our house on the market so we could downsize.  Why is it that the best the house ever looks is when you first move in and just before you move out?  Anyway, it was absolutely crazy for a couple of days as hordes of viewers descended on us.  Amazingly we sold within the week (only because we had to go to sealed bids) and we are now looking at our move to a new house.

    So, as I said life has just kind of mugged us recently.  Hopefully we will  get back to updating soon.

  • 27 Feb 2014 1:39 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)
    I feel sometimes that I get little glimmers of hope, like a shaft of light shining in through a crack between heavy curtains.  Then someone notices it and pulls the curtains tighter and the light is gone.

    Sorry about the obscure philosophical opening.  I was doing a bit of research on the web, looking for some stats so that I could make a case to some people I am talking to about Bottled Up.  As I browsed through the stats and the various websites claiming to serve your needs, I became increasingly aware that there is a huge hole in the service provision for families of alcoholics.  But I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that!

    It did not come as a surprise to me either, after all that was why we set up Bottled Up in the first place.  However what was rather surprising is that, despite the hyperbole of service providers, things do not seem to have moved on very much.

    One meeting I was at I was told that, unless service users (that's you) make a case for the services then it is unlikely that they will be provided.  I need to quickly defend the person who told me that.  He was convinced that services were needed and he liked what we provide, BUT the current system of commissioning and providing services makes it difficult for him to make it happen.

    So that's where you come in - let's face it, you knew that I was going to ask you for something - help us make a case for the services.

    All we ask is that you send me an email saying that you would like to have help and support to cope with your drinker.  You can then give as much detail as you like about what that help and support might look like.  Would you want to be able to access it online 24/7, would you like access to information, would you want support that is about YOU and not how you can help your drinker.  And anything else that you might want to add.

    We will maintain your anonymity.  All you need to include is where you are from (county is sufficient) and your initials.  We will strip the email address and any identifiers out of the correspondence before showing it to anyone.

    Send it to me at john@247helpyourself.com

    Thanks for helping us help you.

    regards

    john
  • 02 Jan 2014 12:25 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)
    Happy New Year to all our members and visitors.  How was the festive season for you?  Was it as good or bad as you expected?  Or did it turn out completely different from what you expected.  Tell us how it went.


  • 04 Dec 2013 2:54 PM | John McMahon (Administrator)

    Recently we were asked to run a seminar/workshop on the Bottled Up approach for people who live with an alcoholic.  When we agreed, we were unaware that this session was going to be attended by some of the local agencies working in the addiction field. At first it seemed a bit like pushing a very large stone up a hill - really hard work.

    Both of us have presented in public many times.  So we are not usually fazed by standing in front of an audience.  However that particular day it became clear that there was more than one agenda going on.

    We found it very difficult to actually engage with the audience at first and it seemed (which actually turned out to be true) that we were on trial.  A couple of the attendees (who worked for the other agencies) told us after the seminar that they had come along to see us with a lot of scepticism (actually at least one put it a bit stronger than that).

    However, the end result was that they liked what we had to say and felt that what we had to offer was valuable.  Indeed we are now about to have a couple of meetings with the other services to see how we can collaborate with them.

    So altogether it was a very valuable day.  And watch this space, particularly if you live in the South West of England as we hope to be able to announce a brand new service some time in the new year.

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All material copyright Lou Lewis and John McMahon © 2013

All photographs by Cassia Lewis
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